It’s rare that anyone confuses me with a conservative. I’m socially as liberal as they come (though I still think polygamy is wrong in a fundamental way because of the power imbalances inherent therein), I believe is some sort of mixed socialist health care system, and I think corporations need to pay more taxes. But Saturday night I pretty much got painted a Republican, and boy oh boy did it sting.

After the awesome Halloween party Dina and I attended, Dina and I stopped by my new neighbor’s housewarming shindig. They’re the young couple from Yale who took Mrar and Schlag’s place downstairs–nice folk, young and just starting out. Things were still going at 1AM, so we thought we’d stop in, say hello, chat for a few minutes, and then be out. Three hours we finally left, but not after enduing the wrath of four pissed off socialists.

Here’s what NOT to do when you have your neighbors over to your house: inquire about their past work, then insult their former employer by insinuating that the money donated from his vast software fortune is really just going to finance the pharmaceutical cartels. And please, don’t get your facts wrong by saying ridiculous things like “he only gives away a penny for every dollar he earns.” Also, learn a little about finance, basics facts such as what “liquid assets” are and how that relates to the stock market, and what regulations not-for-profits must abide by to keep their tax status.

Apparently I’m a capitalist pig because I believe the following “lies”:

  • That the Gates Foundation is actually doing good things with its money.
  • That the government tries to help poor people go to college by giving them student loans. (Apparently, the fact that I financed my entire education myself and did not choose to go into the military instead simply means that I was lucky, and others can not follow a similar path.)
  • That present-day America provides better living conditions than 1917 Russia.
  • That Microsoft pays its overseas employee pretty damn well.

Dina is a capitalist pig for the following reasons:

  • She left Russia and likes the U.S. better.
  • She thought standing in food lines in Soviet Russia was a stupid waste of time.
  • She hates “victory cookies,” but likes Pepperidge Farms chocolately chunky cookies.

People, educate yourselves with the “facts”:

  • Pre-invasion Iraq had the best health care system in the world.
  • The Russian revolution was the pinnacle of history.
  • If you’re poor and want to go to college, you MUST go into the military. The system is set up that way.

It’s almost enough for me to consider taking a second look at the Grand Old Party.