Monday I and 11 of my peers judged a man guilty on all counts. The vote was split 10-2, but when it was over, he was guilty, and we walked away.

The man was charged with theft, burglary, and criminal mischief, for a crime committed in July ‘07.

I am not exactly sure how I felt about this case. It was very, very difficult to put aside biases and give this person the benefit of the doubt, so I am not sure that I did that perfectly. I certainly tried.

On the other hand, the defendant’s alibi was utter shit. Vague recollections, conflicting information, unsubstantiated proof, and worst the request for me believe an “amazing coincidences happened to make me look bad”, excuse. And I don’t buy into that; amazing coincidences thing. Not that it couldn’t happen, but how often does it happen?

Perhaps most damning, though, was the behavior of the defendant himself. This was not a man who appeared to be worried about the outcome, concerned that his fate was in the hands of strangers. This was not someone who appeared convinced of his own innocence.

And if he couldn’t believe it, how could I?

That said; the State is supposed to convince beyond a reasonable doubt. In this case, the definition the judge had us use was that a reasonable doubt was ‘an honest uncertainty’. At this point, I suppose I ought to just admit that I am uncertain about almost everything when pressed, and more than once I was impressed that I was going to fuck up someone’s life by deciding his guilt or innocence.

There’s just no way for me to know that I made the right decision and that’s bothersome. There’s plenty of blame for this; the actions of the police, who probably could’ve solved this case within a week if they’d followed up properly: instead it took four months. The arguments of the DA who often circled the same argument over and over, without giving me something new to chew on. The defense attorney who couldn’t attack the angles that needed to be hit, or show a defendant who could provide a consistent alibi.

It was not easy. I think I made the right choice, but it’s not one that I feel easily convinced of.

When it was all over though, the case was going to be about me. If I had voted not guilty (and I certainly thought I might) then I’d be admitting that the alibi, which felt like bullshit, was OK. That’s a weird thing to realize; that my ego played a role in this. However, I have to live with my decision too, and so I suppose that makes sense.